Jason = my boyfriend
Shane = my bestfriend
Jesse = Shanes younger brother, but still a close friend
Jen = a friend I've known forever
K.... now here's the
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
JERRY: Tonight on the Jerry Springer show we have a particularly interesting episode! Mary is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend of hers Jen. So everyone please put your hands together for Mary!
Jerry: Okay, now Mary you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
Jerry: And what is this other persons name?
The crowd SQUEALS with delight.
Jerry: Okay, okay, well Shane, is actually here tonight -
The crowd SQUEALS.
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Mary, because as it happens there is someone else here to see YOU! So let's bring out... Jason!
You: What the HELL!!!
Out of nowhere you pull out a taser. Jason reaches for the coffee table. Out of the shadows Jesse appears.
Jesse: Wait everybody wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First tell us why you're here Jason.
Jason: Because I saw Mary and Jesse making out at Foxwoods Casino!
The crowd goes absolutely INSANE.
Jesse: That's a lie! I was home watching That 70's Show!
Jerry: (raising his hands) Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here...what exactly IS the problem Jason?
Jason: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Jen who has recently become engaged to Jesse.
The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement.
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Jen out here because Mary had something that they needed to tell them anyway about... Shane that's right!
Jen: (enters onto stage and saunters over towards you) What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Shane! You know I feel about Shane!
Jesse: (screams) What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Shane!
Jen: Because I knew that I could never have Shane. But Mary promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
Jesse: What about respect for MY feelings!
Jason walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Jen.
Jason: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
Again the crowd SQUEALS.
Jesse: Oh my God! Are you SICK!
Jesse runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly.
Jesse: Mary take me away from all of this!
You: You see? That's the thing...I'm...well, I'm married...
The crowd does its bit.
Jesse: Who the hell are you married to? When...when did this happen? I don't understand!
You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Shane.
Jen: (screaming) WHAT!!!
Jerry: (grinning widely, makes an enquiry) So...did you have a nice wedding night?
Shane: (stepping back out onto center stage) Well we had sex 13 times if that's what you mean.
The crowd squeals.
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight... Mary is married to Shane who Jen has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Jen has recently become engaged to Jesse who was recently spotted kissing Mary in the Foxwoods Casino. Now on top of this Jason has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Jen.
Shane: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: (looking sternly into the camera) It is times like these that one has to wonder, whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks it's been great but for now...it's goodnight.
Queue cheesy background music and fade to black.